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8/21/2007, 10:42 PM
something old ...
cleaning out my closet. this one doesn't fit anymore. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 990922 it's so close coming like a sneeze that won't that will hurt like hell because of the stitches bleed you out bring me my leeches and a tourniquet perc as needed for pain and a dark dark rain a dead dreamless sleep hours of silence in which to weep and no one comes around whatever will i do without you sit alone on my stool with my stuff pound my fists in the dirt til my wrists hurt listen to the beads bounce and rattle the walls darkness falls all around my cage and spiders come to inhabit the dust rust in my brain and blood in my lungs my head hurts from banging it against the same old wall i'd call you but it would seem strange i'd change it all if i could and who i am but i'm no one else's anymore out with a bang and a whimper of dread up with the guillotine off with her head get on with it you fool get out cold in my flesh and my bones from the stress and the strain and walking around in the rain doesn't help but somehow it feels better than sitting at home with all the lights on
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8/22/2007, 8:24 AM
it got nasty because it was totally unexpected. i was angry, but often i don't know what to do with anger--i don't let myself get angry, so it just depresses me. but that was a long time ago. this makes me cringe a little :) melodrama and all that. the words are not really me, some of them. everything turns into an experiment .. i wonder if writing sometimes isn't a distraction from the feelings as much as an expression of them. like ... once i start putting it into words ... i want to make a puzzle out of it. and then doing the puzzle shifts the focus from the unacceptability of something that i can't wrap my brain around ... to converting it to something else that i =can= wrap my brain around, dammit. it's mysterious. i can go for months without feeling compelled to write in that way ... but when it shows up it's like an ecstatic fever ... and when the work is done, it goes away and i can no longer remember how that happened. like orgasm or tornado, anything that is so intense in the moment that you are just living it, not paying attention to what it looks like or where it came from.
8/21/2007, 11:14 PM
Sounds like a nasty breakup. I try not to have those myself. I let them all linger for years, in all kinds of strange frustrating mutations. (said with tongue in cheek)